This guest post is by Bobbi Emel.
It’s slowly dawning on you.
Unlike what you thought when you were a rosy-cheeked kid, life isn’t one constant upward ride. It’s full of ups and downs, twists and turns.
To become an expert at bouncing back from the downs and navigating those turns, try on these 12 tips for size.
1. Accept the reality of your situation
If you’re in the middle of bad circumstances, it’s time to do away with any kind of denial you might have and really see what is happening.
Peel back whatever intense emotions – fear, anger, sorrow – that are wrapped up in the problem and look at it for what it truly is. If you don’t get very honest with yourself about your circumstances, you’ll spend a lot of time and effort maintaining a façade that will only come tumbling down later and make the problem much worse.
2. Recognize that change is a constant
You fight change. You expend a lot of energy trying to keep things the same in your life.
Guess what? It’s time to realize that change is one of the few things that stays constant. It’s always going to be in your life.
So, if it’s a normal, consistent part of life, why struggle with it? Why not expect it and look for the opportunities it brings rather than dread its arrival?
3. Use self-compassion
It’s okay to be nice to yourself.
In fact, research shows that being self-compassionate improves both physical, mental, and emotional health.
Kristin Neff, the pioneering researcher in the field of self-compassion, suggests these three components to improve your ability to treat yourself kindly:
a.) Be aware of your inner criticisms. If you wouldn’t talk that way to your best friend, don’t talk to yourself like that.
b.) Because we experience our thoughts and feelings in isolation – within our own bodies and minds – we tend to think we are the only ones who have particular flaws and weaknesses.
Remember that you are part of a larger group – the human race. We all have flaws, we all make mistakes.
So, the next time you notice that you are beating yourself up about something, remember that, as a human being, you are bound to have at least a few deficiencies! Let it go.
c.) Be mindful. Notice your thoughts and feelings, but have no judgment about them. Just note what they are and don’t add to their impact by thinking how they should be.
4. Let it go
Resiliency requires flexibility and openness in order to problem-solve most efficiently and be aware of new opportunities.
Holding on tightly to a belief, behavior, or material object only drains your energy and narrows your focus onto that object. Then your ability to see outside of yourself and your situation is drastically reduced.
Practice by noticing when you feel tense and stressed and then consciously letting go of whatever you were just thinking about.
5. Create a tribe
It’s vital to have friends and family who can rally around you in an emergency. Make sure you have a good, stable tribe at your disposal.
6. Develop post-traumatic growth
When people experience trauma, a small number develop Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, the majority bounce back naturally after a month or so, and the remaining people actually grow and benefit from the experience.
How is this done? The essentials are being optimistic and looking for the lessons in their lives. Give it a try.
7. View things from different perspectives
Although the crisis in front of you may look dire, ask yourself if there is another way to look at it. Might it actually open up opportunities for you? Are you magnifying it unnecessarily?
8. Rely on past experience
Remember that you’ve made it through tough times before.
It’s really easy to get so involved in your current situation that it seems like the biggest thing in your life. Ever.
But, unless you’ve led a charmed life, you have had other difficulties that you’ve come through and here you are now to talk about it.
Take heart from the knowledge that you got through adversity before and you very likely will again.
9. Give yourself a break
It’s important to refresh both your body and mind so take a break now and then. Some researchers call these “psychological timeouts” – a way to restore yourself by getting away from the intense emotions that often come along with problems.
And remember that it’s okay to distract yourself from mental and emotional experiences like grief and rumination, too. You could use a break. Go do something fun. See a movie, rock climb with friends, laugh, have some coffee.
Really. It’s okay.
10. You don’t have to like what’s happening
Somehow this idea of accepting your situation has taken on the added implication that you must also like what you accept.
Nobody said that.
You can be accepting, open, and flexible while at the same time acknowledging that the problem sucks.
11. Look up
This is so simple it may seem silly, but actually looking up every once in awhile can be just what is needed in times of trouble.
Because we tend to look down a lot, we can get very focused on our feet, the desk, or whatever is directly in front of us. This physical focus mirrors our internal focus.
When you take a moment to look up, you’ll notice a lot of things you haven’t seen for awhile.
The interesting architecture on that building. The different shades of gray and white in those clouds. The birds who seem to balance miraculously on that wire.
And, as your attention expands to take in the things above you, your internal focus will expand, too. You’ll start to get new ideas and new angles on where you are right now in life.
Next time you feel yourself staring at the ground, look up.
12. Be kind to others
Commit random acts of kindness.
Science has shown that helping others creates positive emotions actually creates physical changes in your body that expand your sense of possibilities in the world – the idea that there is more than one way to get through your current crisis.
Problem-solving a situation becomes much easier and you’ll find that positive emotions help exponentially with your ability to bounce back.
So look for opportunities to help others, especially when you feel like you’re the one needing help.
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How do you bounce back in life when you are down in the dumps? Let us know in the comments below this post.
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These are all wonderful reminders of what it takes to bounce back in the ride through life! A great read!
Thanks, Marilyn!
Your advice is always so perfectly helpful — and fun to read, too, Bobbi!
My favorite is your #10 — I can be accepting of the situation, but I don’t have to LIKE it. That helps!
Now, you asked, how do I bounce back. My two techniques are only partially effective. I read, for escape and immersion; or I find some engrossing project and bury myself in that.
I need to work on #9, because I’ll bet it works. Thanks!
Thanks, Jim!
I think that distracting oneself can be a great way to deal with difficult times because along with difficult times come difficult emotions. And sometimes we just need to take a break from those!
Obviously, at some point we need to address the problem, but a little distraction isn’t a bad thing.
Good stuff. The parallels with 12 Stepping stood out for me.
Thanks, Rob!
#3 has been my lesson and my mantra these past months. But all of these tips are powerful tools for dealing with the slings and arrows we constantly confront. I really dig #12 too. It’s often in that giving and service to others that we are healed.
I’m with you, Sarah. Learning about self-compassion has been a steep curve for me, but I’m glad to travel it because I already see results!
Great list, Bobbi. I like how you talk about treating yourself like you treat others, as we often here this state oppositely. Unfortunately, we can get away with so much more in how we treat ourselves through thoughts, emotions and the actions they may lead to.
One thing that I’ve been guilty of doing is comparing myself with others. However, I’m referring to comparing my internal state with the assumed internal state of someone else given their expressions, body language, external successes, etc. This is obviously a distortion and can be a valuable opportunity to view things from another perspective.
Jack, I think I don’t have anything to add to your comment because I agree with everything you say! It’s a real trap to think that our thoughts and internal experiences are unique to us. Because we’re human, we have similar experiences, feelings, and behaviors to most people.Therefore, it’s okay to treat ourselves as kindly as we would others because we are on the same par as others!
Beautiful. Simple strategies, not always easy. But the simplicity allows for more comfort while moving forward.
I agree with Sarah #3 is my fav
Simple is good, Lori! Thanks for your feedback!
“We all have flaws, we all make mistakes.”
Nope! I’m perfect!
Dang, Amit. I forgot to write “except for Amit Amin.”
To answer the question at the end of your post:
“How do you bounce back in life when I’m down in the dumps?”
I apply the same approach you listed so clearly.
I also:
- practice yoga a lot (lowers my stress level)
- watch stand-up comedies (laughing helps me dump anxiety)
I’m definitely bookmarking your article.
Yes! This is so true, and I’ve worked out most of these for myself in the last few years. Just a couple of things to add:
“3.a.) Be aware of your inner criticisms. If you wouldn’t talk that way to your best friend, don’t talk to yourself like that.”
I would add, but never censor yourself! Don’t try to stifle that voice; listen to her. Because she has something to say, even though fear and pain make it come out so negatively. Go ahead and have a conversation with her, but be calm and reasonable and open-minded. After a few weeks of doing this, that voice changed. She plays devil’s advocate still, but in a constructive way.
“4. Let it go.”
I have never figured out what this means. If only it were as simple as opening my hand! But, no. I can turn my attention to other things, choose to do something constructive, but then – there are reminders everywhere. And then suddenly I’m right back in that sorrow again. I think only plenty of time is going to do the trick here. And it’s been years already.
My way to bounce back is to understand that time is too precious to be wasting it on being sad or angry at something. Because time waits for no one, it is best to make good use of time to treasure moments instead of developing grudges. I suppose this would be letting go of the issue.
Great post!
Great list, especially the point about Posttraumatic growth. I’ve gone through this myself, still going through it actually, it’s a long work in progress, but the best way to look at things after long and intense bouts of suffering is to take it as a learning experience.